difficult to reconcile

I’ve never hated my ex-husband.  I don’t even hate him now.  I’ve moved on with my life.  But every once in a while, he’ll say something or do something that makes me wonder if perhaps he hasn’t.  He told The D that I hadn’t told him that I was graduating, and said to her ‘I guess I’m no longer in her heart.’  We’ve been apart for nearly six years — you’d think he’d have figured that out by now.  Sometimes, he’ll call ‘just to chat’ and seems hurt when I remind him, yet again, that I don’t want to be his friend, that I am his ex-wife and the mother of his child.  He doesn’t want to get it.

When these moments occur, my skin crawls.  I actually feel physical revulsion.  In fact, recently, that revulsion is about the only thing I feel.  I want to take a shower when I so much as talk to him on the phone, I want to fumigate when he comes to my house, I want to run screaming when he tries to hug me (although I think he figured this last one out). 

The question is, why?  I mean, at some point, I must have loved him.  I know I did.  We had The D together, after all.  And despite the issues between us, he loves his daughter unconditionally.  So why is it that I wish that he would just disappear?  Why, given how rotten my own relationship with my father is, would I wish that on my daughter?  Truth is, I don’t wish it on her.  But I don’t want anything to do with him.  A kind word — congratulations on getting a job, or his sobriety — gets turned into an invitation to tell me all about his problems.  I don’t want to know, and as harsh as it sounds, I don’t care.  His life is his own, my life is mine.  I don’t tell him about my life because, well, I’m boring.  But the fact is, unless I’m endangering The D’s welfare by what I do, he has no right to know what I do.  

Perhaps it’s because he hasn’t respected the clear boundaries I’ve set in place that I find myself more and more repulsed by him.  I say that I don’t want to be his friend, that I don’t want to talk to him unless it is directly related to our child, that I am unwilling to allow him to take our daughter overnight, and he hears these things as an invitation to call me up to chat, to say one thing about our daughter and then try to engage me in conversation about other things, and to ask if he can spend the night on my couch.  

And I let him, because I know he loves his daughter.

Published in: on June 21, 2009 at 9:34 pm  Leave a Comment  

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